Decepticon Testicles: Have you no shame, Michael Bay?

Posted on 15 June 2009 by Quaid

Fair warning: The next couple weeks are probably going to bring some pretty hardcore Bay-bashing, so buckle up.  We encourage dissent, so feel free to flame all you want.  How anyone can be into this news, though, is beyond me.

transformers2still1Today, Empire Online has posted a review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  It’s got some negative stuff to say, but that isn’t the real news.  What we really care about is the “spoiler” that the writer puts right at the beginning of the piece. Here’s a snapshot:

“A notable moment occurs during the dementedly frenetic final act of Transformers 2. A robot-on-robot fracas is unfolding around Egypt’s Giza Necropolis, with Devastator, an especially massive mechanoid comprised of several construction vehicles, set on clawing its way to the peak of a pyramid. As it lumbers up the dusty colossus, a shot tilts up to its mid-section, revealing two wrecking balls dangling down. Yes, Michael Bay, the man who brought us cyber-micturition in this movie’s predecessor, has one-upped himself: Decepticon testicles. “

Wow.  Congratulations, Michael Bay, you’ve outdone yourself.

This reveal is obviously meant to be a joke, but who’s going to laugh at this?  Teenagers making out with their girlfriends/boyfriends in the backs of theaters?  Middle-aged suburbanites who don’t get out too often?  NASCAR Dads with their cars on blocks and beer bongs in their closets?

Yes.  They will.  And I am probably underestimating the portion of the Transformers 2 audience that these people make up.  

Still, is this kind of a dumb joke worth jettisoning all semblance of logic or reason?  No.  Is it funny enough to warrant a shot that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars?  No.  

The news speaks for itself, though.  But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about today.  No, my real question is this: Can audiences handle decepticon junk?

If you base your findings on the crowd reaction to Dr. Manhattan’s penis, the answer must be a resounding “no.”  Still, maybe there is a difference between human junk and robot junk.  Maybe the metallic nature of said decepticon testicles will calm the nerves of fragile Americans.  

Perhaps the deciding factor will be the lack of big, metallic dong.  Or maybe Michael Bay just has this reveal tucked away for the extra footage premiering in IMAX.

I’m not going to point out the obvious question of “Why does a robot need reproductive organs?”  That’s as useless as querying the reasons that Optimus Prime has lips, or how Megan Fox ended up banging Shia LeBouf.  It’s Bay logic, and you either accept it or you don’t.

The thing that frightens me most, though, is this: If Michael Bay gets away with this, I feel we are in mortal danger of a robot sex scene in Transformers 3.  And that would be all kinds of wrong.                           

29 Comments For This Post

  1. Steve Says:

    Where do you get off on calling a 3 star (out of 5) extremely negative? What is a 2 or a 1 star review then? Jesus, try for a little more objectivity. It’s obvious you can’t wait to hate the movie.

  2. Quaid Says:

    Steve–apologies. Reading through the article, I saw comments like the one below and saw a pretty negative review…

    “The plot, meanwhile, is as baffling as before, not only bringing back the abstruse Allspark but throwing in a new MacGuffin called the ‘Matrix of Leadership’. It tries harder to be funny but is actually less so, despite Shia LaBeouf working some early new-kid-on-campus schtick,…”

    But I neglected to take note of the star rating. As for wanting to hate it, I actually enjoyed the first one. I won’t make the argument that these films are terribly high-class, but I enjoy them more than a few people here at chopshop…

    Hoping to enjoy this one, but guessing it will be pretty flawed. Thanks for the comment. I changed a couple of words in the post to more accurately reflect the review.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Looks like Steve can’t wait to go back to sucking Bay’s ass.

  4. Chris Cardinal Says:

    I think my favorite part about all of this is that somewhere out there lives an animator or several who had to actually draw, animate, and render robot testicles.

    “What’d you do at work today, daddy?”
    “I put testicles on a virtual robot. Now go make daddy a drink.”

  5. J Hanna Says:

    So a Decepticon has giant TruckNutz. So what? At least they’re not all vein-y and wrinkled like the ones I’ve seen on trucks in real life.

  6. Loco Says:

    I’m not a nascar dad, nor a suburbanite, yet I find the concept to be fairly amusing. But then again, I tend to watch movies purely for entertainment and not take anything they portray too seriously. Although i must admit dangling blue penis in every second shot got a bit tedious, I felt like I was in a smurf’s locker room.

  7. Swoop Says:

    Bay is a sellout director. We all know this. He makes McDonalds movies that appeal to the masses and are designed to make a quick buck. Its that simple. These movies will not stand the test if time. Putting balls on Devastator shows how shallow the movie has to be that the marketeers want ppl to debate about metal balls on robots in order to create hype.

    When I heard there was going to be a Transformers movie and Bay was directing it I put my head in my palms and weeped. The original Transformers movie has more genuine emotion in it, was better written, better directed and had better action scenes. Plus the acting was leagues better. Oh, and it was a cartoon.

  8. peerstfreek Says:

    There are plenty of movies made in hollywood that offer genuine emotion, good writing and acting. Transformers, a movie based on a line of toy robots that transform into cars, is not, and should not be one of them. Car chases and shit blowing up, that’s all it needs.

  9. Swoop Says:

    Thats my point. Transformers should have been much more. To please peoples like for pure car chases and shit blowing up people can watch movies like The Fast and Furious – Too fast to talk.

    The new Transformers movies could have had that shizzle in them AND been quality.

  10. John davis Says:

    No way dude that is WAY cool!


  11. Jonny Says:

    Hahah. I find it to be amusing. Had there beeen dong it would of been better. Devestator working the pistons. Yeaaaah

  12. Willoughby Says:

    Micheal Bay is a failure as a director and a man. Stupid mullet wearing redneck. He has yet to make a decent movie and it kills me that he was given free reign over a franchise with so much real movie potential. Even the toys from the movie are idiotic. Where is my medication?

  13. RJ Says:

    “Is it funny enough to warrant a shot that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars? No. ”

    Dude.. it is CGI. Yes there is expense to the shot.. but having to dangling wrecking balls vs not having them in same shot.. is not hundreds of thousands in difference..

    I think you are being completely petty and whinny *hands over block of cheese for that whine)

  14. Dave Says:

    Bay a failure? Doubtful. I don’t think you all realize how hard it is to make an entertaining movie. I think Transformers does the job, awesome action! Let me see you all make a multi-million dollar movie be successful, and Transformers is going to be a huge money maker. If your views really mattered then you would have a movie review book, like say, Lenoard Maltin…idiots.

  15. Craig Says:

    Matrix of Leadership=new? Geez.
    Do you have any knowledge of Transformers history whatsoever?

    A simple Google search or look on wiki would help you out… or better yet. Watch the original 80′s cartoon Transformers Movie.

  16. Fatmatter Says:

    Did you ever think that he put them there just to get a little bit of exactly what your giving him?

    Well played Bay, well played.


  17. Naz Says:

    Seriously Quaid, you’re banging on about balls? If you don’t have anything better to say about the film, you should consider letting someone else review this film.

  18. Jaz Says: there anything more pathetic than a bunch of fanboys sitting in their parents basement bitching about a set of metal cajones? If there is I haven’t seen it yet. I thought the world’s servers were going to explode when Greedo shot first, but now there is something new.

    Jesus Christ it’s a movie! It’s Bay’s creation, like it or not and thats the way it’s going to come out. Get over it. Those who can see the humor in it..good for you. Watch the movie then go home and get on with your life. Jesus.

  19. Krondax Says:

    you know, i really dont listen to what people who review movies say about them. for the simple fact that a lot of times, you get someone who has no interest in that type of movie.

  20. Jaz Says:

    I bet if there was a dragon or some d20 rolling in this movie the reviews would be spectacular! :P

  21. FlickeringMyth Says:

    The balls bit wasn’t too bad. There are worse gags in the film.

  22. urstupid Says:

    ur gay

  23. Razlo3000 Says:

    The balls bit was sure stupid, but I’m more PISSED OFF about how stupid this movie was. Even Roger Ebert gave the damn thing 1 stinking star. Batman and Robin got 2 stars. That should say it all right there. Any decepticon fan, avid or even minor movie enthusiast should be OUTRAGED at how crappy this 200 million $ piece of crap stunk.

  24. chris Says:

    because you use big words. you must believe you’re right when you talk trash on a movie that made 155mil the first week. a whole article about the 15 seconds of a 2.5 hr movie involving wrecking balls. that’s the real joke he accomplished. if you didnt like this movie your opinion of movies isnt worth the piss you take in the morning. the best part of these Transformers movies is the fact they touch every raw emotion possible, period. you should probably get a real job though friend.

  25. The Other Chris Says:

    I’m not going to fire off some brutal insult to you or your assessment of the movie, but I do have to agree that people who tend to fancy themselves as enlightened, or just plain “above it all” often piss on things they don’t have to. Additionally, I’ve always believed that scenarios like this are proof positive that all one needs to make it in this world is a medium and an opinion – suit and glasses optional. The average person enjoyed the movie, especially considering that many of us watched the cartoon as children and marvel at how far technology, graphics, and entertainment has come. I didn’t catch the ball shot, but whatever Bay’s intent, it gave you fodder for the forum.

  26. The Other Chris Says:

    My brother is a movie critic. He fancies himself somewhat of an expert in the realm of being a critic…an expert in criticism (tried to find a nicer way to put that, but alas…). I love my brother, but he doesn’t amount to much else.

  27. Ashley Alfred Says:

    If Arcee can have boobs why can’t devastator have balls?

  28. Siddharth Pandey Says:

    Transformers is not realistic. It’s concept is not practical.

    This new year let’s make a new year resolution to watch the best online tv This is the last day for the 50% discount new year offer. Hurry Book your channels now.

  29. Old School transformer Says:

    Ok you all need to just grow up here and look at it from Michael Bay and the writers point of view. They are making a good choice on putting that in there at the time. A movie like this cant just be serious through the whole movie.Some comedy thrown in there is good breaks up the serious and the comedy level. GEEZ all you that complain if you dont like it straight up ” JUST DONT WATCH IT’ move on and go find your chick flick you can talk crap about. We Tranformers watchers and kids at heart still will continue to watch all the Transformers movies.. I KNOW I LOVE EM ALL

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