Fair warning: The next couple weeks are probably going to bring some pretty hardcore Bay-bashing, so buckle up. We encourage dissent, so feel free to flame all you want. How anyone can be into this news, though, is beyond me.
Today, Empire Online has posted a review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s got some negative stuff to say, but that isn’t the real news. What we really care about is the “spoiler” that the writer puts right at the beginning of the piece. Here’s a snapshot:
“A notable moment occurs during the dementedly frenetic final act of Transformers 2. A robot-on-robot fracas is unfolding around Egypt’s Giza Necropolis, with Devastator, an especially massive mechanoid comprised of several construction vehicles, set on clawing its way to the peak of a pyramid. As it lumbers up the dusty colossus, a shot tilts up to its mid-section, revealing two wrecking balls dangling down. Yes, Michael Bay, the man who brought us cyber-micturition in this movie’s predecessor, has one-upped himself: Decepticon testicles. “
Wow. Congratulations, Michael Bay, you’ve outdone yourself.
This reveal is obviously meant to be a joke, but who’s going to laugh at this? Teenagers making out with their girlfriends/boyfriends in the backs of theaters? Middle-aged suburbanites who don’t get out too often? NASCAR Dads with their cars on blocks and beer bongs in their closets?
Yes. They will. And I am probably underestimating the portion of the Transformers 2 audience that these people make up.
Still, is this kind of a dumb joke worth jettisoning all semblance of logic or reason? No. Is it funny enough to warrant a shot that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars? No.
The news speaks for itself, though. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about today. No, my real question is this: Can audiences handle decepticon junk?
If you base your findings on the crowd reaction to Dr. Manhattan’s penis, the answer must be a resounding “no.” Still, maybe there is a difference between human junk and robot junk. Maybe the metallic nature of said decepticon testicles will calm the nerves of fragile Americans.
Perhaps the deciding factor will be the lack of big, metallic dong. Or maybe Michael Bay just has this reveal tucked away for the extra footage premiering in IMAX.
I’m not going to point out the obvious question of “Why does a robot need reproductive organs?” That’s as useless as querying the reasons that Optimus Prime has lips, or how Megan Fox ended up banging Shia LeBouf. It’s Bay logic, and you either accept it or you don’t.
The thing that frightens me most, though, is this: If Michael Bay gets away with this, I feel we are in mortal danger of a robot sex scene in Transformers 3. And that would be all kinds of wrong.