The Final Destination poster makes me want to punch someone…

Posted on 28 May 2009 by Quaid

Okay, usually I give you my spiel and then put the poster at the bottom of the article in a futile attempt to make you read my ramblings.

Let’s change it up today, shall we?  We’ll take a look at the poster first.  Then I’ll tell you why my headline is so mean and angry…

Here it is, courtesy of UGO


Okay.  It’s kind of cool looking right?  Well, look closer and you can see three things that can and should make you angry–or at least force you to dismiss the film (if you haven’t already) for all time.

Number one.  The friggin’ title.  Doing an inverted Fast and Furious, this latest installment (number four I think?) in the Final Destination franchise thinks it can jettison its number and get away with adding the article “the” before the original title?

Come on guys…at least give me an annoying colon somewhere in the title.  Otherwise I won’t know that it’s a really bad horror sequel!

Second…and this is a big one…nowhere on this poster does it advertise that the schlockfest will be in 3D.  For a movie that is quite obviously going to be terrible, 3D might be the only gimmicky reason that I would deign to watch this in a theater.  ”IN 3-D!!!” should be plastered all over this thing.  But I guess they think this movie is too good to advertise its one good hook.

And finally, the image is cool, but it tells me nothing about this film except “it’s a horror movie.”  I don’t see name actors, events, or any silly and crazy “woah, that’s gonna be messed up!” image to make me care.  

So that about does it for the poster.  Now let’s look at the synopsis…

“On what should have been a fun-filled day at the races, Nick O’Bannon has a horrific premonition in which a bizarre sequence of events causes multiple race cars to crash sending flaming debris into the stands, brutally killing his friends and causing the upper deck of the stands to collapse on him. When he comes out of this grisly nightmare Nick panics, persuading his girlfriend, Lori, and their friends, Janet and Hunt, to leave… escaping seconds before Nick’s frightening vision becomes a terrible reality. Thinking they’ve cheated death, the group has a new lease on life, but unfortunately for Nick and Lori, it is only the beginning. As his premonitions continue and the crash survivors begin to die one-by-one–in increasingly gruesome ways–Nick must figure out how to cheat death once and for all before he, too, reaches his final destination. The film marks the latest in the highly popular “Final Destination” series, and its first 3D installment, giving horror fans an especially visceral thrill ride.”

So…you’re telling me it is a carbon clone of the original film with a slightly different disaster as the catalyst and none of the original cast?  Got it.

I mean, I know a LOT of horror sequels are basically remakes of the original, but at least there is a little continuity of character, a recognizable villain, or a silly but different “take” on the premise.  Even Friday the 13th had the decency to send Jason to Manhattan…and to have Jason fight Carrie at one point.  

Give me something…anything…different.  Then at least your movie will feel like a total failure instead of a repackaged mass-media marketing tool which, believe it or not, is worse.

I like the original Final Destination–even though it is a highly flawed movie.  I think when this thing comes out, I might make a point of staying at home and watching it on DVD.  I doubt I’d really notice much of a difference, anyway.


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2 Comments For This Post

  1. ShepRamsey Says:

    The fact that you’re giving it this much attention bothers me. I agree with the “Fast & Furious” comparison about the title, but I also think that by calling it “THE Final Destination,” it gives it its own “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter” or “Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare” kind of thing. We know they’re lying and that’s part of the fun.
    But anyway…come on. This movie will be dumber than hell and by giving it this much attention you’re only feeding the beast more and more. Let it go.

  2. Quaid Says:

    no need to give so much attention to the fact that I gave it attention. It’s just something that had to be said. And I disagree with your “the” makes it feel like the last one…those other ones were blatant and overt, cheeky and fun. This is just lazy.
    Too often do we say “this one gets a by…everyone already knows it’s going to be bad.” So with this one…with THIS ONE, ONE MAN had to take a stand (because he was in a bad mood).
    But don’t worry…I’m better now :)

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