I know you were all expecting my review of Terminator Salvation today, but with all the (justified) bad press the movie is getting, I thought it wouldn’t be worth it to write a 2000 word review listing the film’s many, many faults. Instead, let’s focus on something positive…something magical…something directed by James Cameron, and not McG….
Let me say one thing up front. If you disagree with what I am about to say, you are wrong. And you are weakening America.
There are some who shout “but how can you know it’s the best? Surely you have not seen every action movie ever put to celluloid.” No, naysayers, I have not. But after seeing James Cameron’s time-traveling sci-fi opus, I don’t need to.
I’ll assume that everyone reading this has seen the epic film. If you haven’t, stop reading, track down a DVD, and watch it immediately. If you don’t, you’re most likely a Communist.
When you do slide that little disc in your machine, you will immediately have your senses assaulted with badass action and future imagery. You will find frightening, disturbing shots of nuclear destruction, a badass Linda Hamilton voice-over, and the most ear-shatteringly amazing main theme ever composed.
Listen to it with a monster subwoofer spiked to eleven. That’s an order.
The greatness of Terminator 2 can be distilled into five parts. 1) James Cameron. 2) Arnold Schwarzenegger. 3) The T-1000. 4) Plot. And 5) James Cameron.
Let’s start with Arnold. One statement that seems clear to me is as follows: The greatest action film in history must contain Arnold Schwarzenegger in a main role. Once we accept this simple truth a priori, our search for the most badass kill-fest narrows immensely.
Now I’ll take on parts one and five of my argument. The greatest action film of all time must be directed by James Cameron. I know there are those who will argue for the merits of John Woo or Brett Ratner (die, you miserable excuses for human beings), but when one watches Aliens and sees what this beautiful, beautiful man does with Ridley Scott’s slow, plodding (but admittedly brilliant) sci-fi premise, all nay sayers must cease saying nay…or find themselves crushed under the heel of my size thirteen Chuck Taylors.
Ironic, then, that this epic story is not the greatest action film of all time, but as it does not star Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’ll have to settle for the comfortable number two spot.
If I’ve done my math correctly, we have narrowed our search down to three films. True Lies, Terminator, and Terminator 2: Judgement Day. While I love Jamie Lee Curtis’s action/comedy extravaganza, it is immediately eliminated from competition…because its plot does not involve robots.
That brings us to the great action film conundrum: is Terminator 2 better than Terminator 1?
If you answer “No,” you are simply, without doubt, wrong. I mean, the first Terminator, while a fun-filled action film, only has ONE terminator. Part two has TWO terminators. And one of them is made of liquid metal!
Plus the plot of part two is 1000 times more interesting than the first. Terminator was basically just one big chase scene with a romance thrown in. And action movies with Arnold immediately lose points for romance (we forgive it a bit in this case because Michael Biehn and Linda Hamilton’s bed shenanigans gave us Eddie Furlong). The sequel got rid of the annoyingly whiny Sarah Connor and replaced her with an ass-kicking, amazingly hot woman in a wife-beater. There is nothing hotter than women in wife-beaters kicking ass.
And the plot actually, you know…GOES SOMEWHERE! Yes, there are chase scenes, but at a certain point the movie takes a turn, and we’re fighting a battle to stop the impending nuclear destruction of the human race using a big-ass vat of melted steel.
I could go on for days, but what would be the use. I’ve proven my point.
For the newest sequel to this franchise, we get McG in the director’s chair, which means, based on one of our inalienable premises, that this movie cannot be better than Terminator 2. And it isn’t even close. In fact, it isn’t even in the same stratosphere. But it has huge machines battling humans, so you’d think it would be good, right?
Oh yeah. Transformers. Nevermind.
Yeah…I saw the movie last night and am debating putting up a review to counteract Shep’s praise. I don’t want you guys to be disappointed…but you will be anyway. Maybe I can sum up my opinion in one sentence.
“McG…you and me are f***ing done, professionally.”