Top 5 Movies to watch at your anti-Valentine’s Day party

Posted on 12 February 2009 by Quaid

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to show that special someone how much you care.  To go out of your way to appreciate them.  To hold hands, stare into each other’s eyes, spend money, and get laid.

Unless you are single.  Then there is really only one use for Valentine’s day: getting together with your other single buddies and watching the most effed-up action and horror testosterone driven splatterfests known to man.

But choosing just the right movie to work out your anti-V-Day-angst can prove tricky.  You don’t want to choose anti-relationship movies like Closer and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, necessarily.  While those movies do make you say “screw it all, love sucks!” they can also just depress you.  Other straightforward actioners might have a hot girl or romantic subplot that gets you all hot-and-bothered.  And that blows goats.

No, you need MAN movies.  So here they are, the Top 5 Movies to watch while drinking beer with your single friends on Valentine’s Day.

aliens5. Aliens

You know it’s probably a great anti-V-Day movie when there is a scene discussing whether or not to “nuke the site from orbit.”  I mean, what can get your testosterone flowing faster than a bunch of Ultimate Badass Marines killin’ some aliens with BFG’s attached to steadycam arms?  Not too much.

This does have a touching subplot between Ripley and Newt, but there is no romance to be found.  And the whole thing is so badass gritty that you barely notice the sentimental moments.  Ripley’s “stand-up-and-cheer” hand-to-hand fight with the bigass alien at the end will drive any thoughts of chocolates and candlelit dinners far from your mind.

lakeplacidbox4. Lake Placid

I know there are people who hate this movie, but it’s for the same reasons I love it.  It’s one big joke of a screenplay, but you aren’t totally sure that director Steve Miner gets it.  Instead, he directs the movie as a straightforward action movie with moments of comedy.  And since he ain’t a great director, it ends up being this hybrid of intentional and unintentional laughter.  Which actually works perfect for the material.

The crocodile is friggin awesome, and it kills in interesting and gory ways.  Oliver Platt is amazing as the guy who wants to swim with the monster, and the dialogue is priceless.  

There is a bit of a romance subplot, but it’s with Bill Pullman so you can’t ever take it 100% seriously for some reason.  Besides, the croc is more important and takes center stage.

But all of this is just window dressing for the real reason I recommended this film.  There is no way in hell that you can watch Betty White’s foul-mouthed character saying words like “cocksucker” and not get your cockles warmed in a very anti-sentimental way.  Plus the little “twist” with her husband’s death fits in perfect with our anti-love theme.

t23. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

I find it interesting that two of the five films on this list are a) directed by James Cameron and b)contain strong, fighting women as their protagonist.  Sarah Conner in this movie is an absolute badass in every way, and seeing a woman like her destroys any need you might have for a girly-girl at your side.  

This movie is, in my opinion, the best action movie ever.  The T-1000 is creepy cool, and Arnold dishes out and takes so much shit that your head almost explodes.  Plus it actually has a compelling storyline and a few twists and turns that keep it from repeating the original too much.  This is just a badass action movie, so it belongs solidly on this list.  

crank2. Crank

I probably would never have thought of this had Shep not posted the ridiculous Crank 2 poster, but come to think of it, yeah, this movie has it all.  Lots of action, adrenaline (quite literally), anger, and even some crazy hilarious, hard, and unsentimental sex.

I mean, when Statham, our hero, decides to have public sex with Amy Smart in order to raise his heart rate–I swooned.

The movie is dumb and terrible, somewhat the action antithesis to Terminator 2, but checking your brain at the door is just what you need to do come the 14th.  Don’t let it be a guilty pleasure.  Just revel in its absurdity.

And the absolute best movie to watch on Valentine’s Day with your friends while drinking beer is…

the-thing1. John Carpenter’s The Thing

I know, it’s an odd choice.  The movie isn’t dumb fun.  It’s not terribly over-the-top, and there are relatively few action scenes and deaths and almost no gunfights.  So why does it belong on the top spot on the list?

It contains absolutely no women.  At all.

There is zero chance you can be reminded of the fairer sex while watching this film.  

It’s just men being men and fighting creepy and gross aliens.  Beyond that, it actually has an interesting premise and story as well as a lot of interesting character work.  Getting wrapped up in the story of a movie is a great way to take your mind off other less desirable things, and The Thing works as suspenseful escapism.  

John Carpenter’s team also put together some of the best gore and creature effects ever.  The crawling head as well as the man-eating chest creature will freak the shit out of you.  

The movie can be a bit of a downer, but with the right crowd and the right level of intoxication, this movie can be a blast.  What you get out of it depends on you.

So there is the list.  For all the women out there, I apologize if this is a bit “guy-centric.”  While I know you can enjoy these movies on the same level as a dude, I do wonder if the criteria you would use to make your own list would be the same.  It would be great to get a female’s perspective in the talkbacks below.

Do not despair this saturday, for there are a number of ways to ease your pain through the blessings of cinema.

If you are determined to wallow in self-pity and curmudgeon-like nihilism, I have another list for you.  Movies to watch alone and in a bad mood on Valentine’s day.  That will be popping up tomorrow.  Stay tuned.                              

Categorized | Commentary, Featured

6 Comments For This Post

  1. HAL9000 Says:

    Someone needs to hook Quaid up. He’s got some serious emo-girl-problems issues.

  2. ParryOtter Says:

    I think the criteria would be surprisingly similar for us (females). (Personally, “The Thing” would be the best of your list because, as you said it, no women.)

    Perhaps Alien³ would be more suitable for this particular list? Think about it. It takes place on a prison planet with an all-male population who happen to have double Y chromosomes. Oh, and they also follow some crazy no-sex religion. Couple that with the fact that Ripley (thanks to a stylish new buzz-cut), looks exactly like a shaved David Bowie and is incubating the uber-bitch Alien Queen and you’ve got yourself the least-sexy heroine EVER.

    I would also suggest “The Shining,” where one can totally sympathize with Jack Nicholson for wanting to beat the shit out the annoyingly meek and interfering Shelley Duvall. (He just wants to write his fucking book. Jesus.)

    I disagree completely about the romantic subplot with Bill Pullman, though. I’d take that seriously any day…

  3. Quaid Says:

    About Alien3….I get what you are saying, but it’s got a guy that has sexual chemistry with Ripley, and sex is forefront in the story. Whereas Aliens has Ripley as “one of the guys.”

    And who said a bald Ripley is the least sexy? Ummm…..yeah.

  4. Skill Says:

    I somewhat agree, I didnt like it as much though

  5. Quaid Says:

    You should track down Fincher’s workprint if you haven’t seen it. Lots of good stuff added in.

  6. Justine Says:

    I really liked the way they came off

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